What parent has not heard this from their five-year old? At bedtime, your child somehow turns into a canny politician, inventing all kinds of excuses to convince a parent to delay bedtime, and employing tactics that would do a warring nation proud: threats, cajoling, stonewalling, outright physical force such as kicking or hitting, and a parent's least favorite, screaming. At the end of a long day, this scenario sorely tries a parent's resistance and resolve. What do you do? Do you let them scream until they get tired of fighting? Do you allow them to stay up? Do you physically restrain them in bed? Do you draw a line in the sand?

    And once they are in bed, how do you keep them there? Do you let them cry? You can't ignore the nightmares and the fear of the boogeyman. It seems that your children will never sleep through the night, especially if they happen to have a television in their room (see "Why Johnny Can't Sleep" for reasons why.) And there's always the persistent request: "I'm thirsty."

    Getting kids to bed, though, is the most difficult part.

    Bedtime Rituals

    It may surprise you to learn that children enjoy having a familiar bedtime and a regular routine. Children like their lives to be orderly and get a sense of security from nightly before-bed rituals, such as reading a story, saying bedtime prayers, drinking a glass of milk, or taking a bath. It's an important transition from the activity of the day to those eight or ten hours of sleep that children need. The ritual helps you actually get the child into bed. The traditional tooth-brushing and face-washing is an important part, as is slipping into pajamas or nightgown. The rest of the ritual is up to you. There are some important points to keep in mind:

    • 1. Bedtime should be the same time every night, so the ritual should take place at the same time every night. If you have it at eight, don't begin it at ten after eight or seven minutes before eight.
    • 2. Important: Have the ritual every night. Do not skip, no matter how tired or busy you are.
    • 3. Do not change the ritual. If you normally sing to your child, then have a glass of milk together, don't suddenly reverse the order or forget the glass of milk.
    • 4. No matter where you are - in a hotel, at home, at Grandma's house, on vacation - you should always have the ritual. That way, the child feels safe and is more likely to go to sleep in a strange place.
    • 5. If the child is old enough to sleep over at a friend's, explain to the parents that your child needs the ritual to go to sleep. Most parents will be accommodating.
    • 6. Start a "quiet time" at least 30 minutes before bedtime. Tell the children television or playtime is over. Do not allow older children in the family to interfere. Encourage the child to participate in a quiet activity, such as reading.
    • 7. Counting down to bedtime may be effective: "Fifteen minutes to bedtime," "Ten minutes to bedtime," and so on. You may encounter the traditional child's phrase, "In a minute." Be firm. Remember, bedtime is for your benefit as well as the child's. You need quiet time too.
    • 8. At the end of the ritual, the child should be asleep in bed or, in the case of the very young, in the crib.

    The next step is to keep the child in bed and asleep.

    "Mommy, I'm Thirsty"

    Children often do not like to be left alone, and they may have difficulty falling asleep, just as adults do. The difference is that adults may just lie awake, or turn on the light to read, or watch late-night "Cheers" reruns. Children cry.

    You know the scene. It's one a.m. and you've settled down, finally, to sleep, or you may already be asleep. You hear a wailing from your young one's bedroom, and a loud "Mo-o-om" from any siblings that may be sleeping in that room or next door. After five minutes of this, you either worry that something is wrong or that your child is sick. So you run to make sure that nothing is wrong and to rock the child to sleep.

    This may be a mistake. While you should comfort your children, hold them and hug them, soothing them constantly keeps them from sleep and fixes the crying as another ritual in their minds. They expect that every night when they cry, you will come to their rescue. And remember, children depend on repetition and expect rituals to be performed exactly the same way every single night.

    You will be able to tell the difference between a child screaming because she has a fever or has fallen and a child screaming because she doesn't know how to sleep on her own. The child screaming because she can't sleep is perfectly fine and will not be damaged for life if you do not rush to the room every time. In fact, not giving in will actually help your child by teaching her to fall asleep on her own and to sleep through the night. Experts say that you should begin teaching the child how to do this in infancy, preferably between four and nine months old.

    How do you ignore a child screaming, crying and pleading for an hour, and avoid the constant requests for water or to go to the bathroom?

    First, realize that you are in the power position. You set the rules. Stick to the rule that once it's bedtime, it's time to stay in the bedroom and go to sleep. However, if an older child wants to play quietly in bed or read, you may allow this. Do not, however, allow them to watch TV to go to sleep, since the stimulation has the opposite effect. When engaged in quiet activities, children eventually grow tired and turn out the light. (A word of caution: Younger children, especially infants and toddlers, do not have the resources older ones do. For infants and toddlers, see our "Hello, New Baby, Goodbye, Sleep" for suggestions).

    Second, you can ignore the child if you have the will. A child's crying hurts the parents more than it does the child. Children know this, and that’s why they persist. They learn this at three months old. However, you can help them unlearn it, and pave the way for healthier sleep habits later in life. That can have the added benefit of making you sleep better at night.

    A last word: Check your child's mattress for potential sleep problems. Children have special mattress needs (see "Do children need a particular mattress?"), and you should choose a good, durable mattress for them. With the right mattress and with good sleeping habits, you can be sure your children will be in dreamland every night.